Man Cave Vs. Real Cave
I went for a walk in the woods and saw a hole in the side of a mountain. I thought “Maybe that’s a cave. Hey, I have a man cave. I should go in and see how my cave stacks up against a real cave.” So I did. The first thing I noticed was, it is really dark in here. Score one for the man cave. No television, no refrigerator, no stereo, no sports memorabilia, no movie posters. Dude, my man cave is way better than a real cave. Then I bumped into a chair. So I sat down on it. It was surprisingly soft and cozy. Then it moved. Then it growled. Then it turned into a bear. I ran.
I remember passing a running deer. Then I saw a hawk diving out of the sky after a helpless tiny forest creature. I leaped up and grabbed his talons. The hawk tried to fly away but my weight held him down. But he did give me enough lift to run across the surface of a pond like a skipping stone. Then I let the hawk go and I fell on my back at the bottom of a hill. As I lay there trying to catch my breath I noticed that a giant boulder was perched precariously on the edge of the hill above me. Then it started to roll down, straight at me. I rolled frantically to my left, because there was a tree to my right, and just barely got out the way. I looked up to the top of the hill and saw another bear who, if I didn’t know better, was talking on a phone. Naturally, I had to wonder if the cave bear had called the hill bear and they were colluding to fashion my demise.
Impossible I thought. But I wasn’t sticking around to find out. I ran. Well, I wanted to. But I didn’t get far before I hit some swampy marshland and started sinking like I was in quicksand. I knew that quicksand is not found in the forest, but usually by the sea, and you won’t really sink past your chest in quicksand since you are not as dense as quicksand. But you can get stuck if you don’t know how to get out. And if you are at the sea and the tide comes in you might drown. Fortunately, I do know how to get out of quicksand, and this wasn’t the ocean, so I wasn’t worried about that. But this wasn’t quicksand. It was mucky marshland and I was sinking in the gooey stuff. Then all of a sudden a stick hit me in the head. I turned and saw about 50 chipmunks holding onto the stick. I grabbed the stick and they started pulling me out.
Once I got out. I asked the chipmunks why they helped me. Which was foolish. I don’t speak Chipmunk. But if I had to guess, it would be because in my panic to escape the bear I grabbed the hawk who was probably diving for one the chipmunks. And the whole chipmunk community came out to thank me for sparing one of their own by rescuing me from the muck. I gave them some Starbursts that I had in my pocket. They liked that.
After that, I decided to go back home to my man cave and watch the Olympics with my buddies. I told them what happened in the woods but they didn’t believe me. Then a week later I got a thank you card from Chip Munk. They still say I made up the story. So I decided to post it on Facebook where people aren’t so skeptical.
Photo: Mike Wilson